Archive for January, 2013


This Week’s Daily Reminder

James 4:7-10

Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. 8 Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. 9 Be wretched and mourn and weep. Let your laughter be turned to mourning and your joy to gloom. 10 Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.

I was just going to memorize 4:7 although I wanted to add the draw near to God part, but then stop.  However, I think I need to memorize up through 10.  I need to begin at the beginning and that is to acknowledge that I can’t do this on my own, that my very nature gets in the way.  I would like to forget that I am a sinner, but I cant, because I am.  I don’t wallow in it though because my essence is in the one who redeemed me and therefore although my nature does not change, my identity does. 

So, I’m not very good at this surrendering thing. That isn’t breaking news to me as I’ve known this for a long time. I think it is a pretty common thing for us mere mortal types but I think the sum of my personality plus some history has made my independence a little more entrenched. I too often delight in my individual accomplishments and I have a real difficult time asking for help.

I don’t have a difficult time devoting myself to God but I do so in my own strength. I have difficulty steering my will and surrendering it at the same time. I’m really disciplined in the former but very undisciplined in the latter.

I need to do better in this area because I’m running into walls and stubbornly kicking at the bottom bricks and scratching at the mortar with my fingernails. The result: broken toes and raw and bleeding fingertips. OK, more like a 10 pound weight gain. I do love a hyperbole on occasion.

This morning I was faced with the reality that I had gained 10 pounds of my 30 pound weight loss back. I’m so mad I could spit in my own eye. But, of course, as Oprah will tell you, it is just a symptom of a much larger problem.

Little Ms. Fiercely Independent lost 30 pounds through determination and hard work. But, Ms. Fierce cant keep it off in her own strength because of the sinful tendencies she can’t fight off on her own. So, I need to learn how to surrender consistently. I am positive that there are other areas of my life that could use a daily acquiescence as well.

So, here is what I am going to try. A memorized verse a week about surrendering that I am going to mantra the heck out of to remind me to surrender daily. There are plenty of verses on the subject, so I’m not going to get bored. I’ve also set my pedometer alarm to buzz throughout the day to remind me to pray for the ability to surrender. Let’s see if this works. Ask me about how it is going.

Saying It Out Loud

I said it out loud and then found myself in tears.  A desire I have, I said out loud.  No one was around to hear it except the ears of that part of me that sometimes rationalizes and refuses to hear and then excuses things as if they will go away with a reason.

What I said will remain between me and God if for no other reason as for the intimacy that sometimes comes with a shared secret.  But He heard me give voice to it, something I’ve been holding onto in a corner of myself that I have tried to forget. I was afraid to do so out of fear that He might turn me over to some desire that would lead me away from His best.

Somehow saying it out loud has changed it, changed me.  Maybe it’s just the honesty, as if by my ears hearing it, I’m no longer dodging the persistent shadow.  It’s not a shadow anymore. Light and sound has made its way into heart of the matter.

It’s Too Quiet

I finally did what I thought I needed to do a while ago.  Yes, I did something incredibly monumental.  A watershed moment.  I gave up cable.  This is a pretty big shift for a kid who grew up with a TV in her room her entire life and used it as a night light,  Quite often it was the only companion I had, and is the reason I could probably quote lines from the Brady Bunch. This is huge

I really didn’t think I needed it anymore.  There were days where I didn’t even turn on the TV, so I thought that this would really not be much of a difference. I figured I was done with my TV fascination and sure could use the money I would be saving by getting rid of a cable bill.

Well, what I didn’t anticipate was how quiet my house was going to be.  I’ve tried a Netflix substitution and even podcasts, but I’m finding it very difficult to find the kind of mindless background noise that TV provided.  I actually want to listen to the podcasts I listen to and I have a similar problem with music.  I’m finding I miss the voices of TV that allowed me to go about doing other things and yet still feel less alone.   Strange.

I”m sure I’ll adjust, but it is just an interesting turn of events.  I may actually have to get used to hearing my own thoughts.  Yikes.

Thrive by Switchfoot

Seems rather relevant right now