My dad was a former MP in the navy with the ill-conceived tattoos to prove it.  He has broad shoulders and a worn and ruddy complexion, but when it comes to his little girls, and now his grand-daughters, he is the softest of soft.

There was no comfort like the strength and stability of my daddy’s lap.  There was no place warmer and safer than the embrace of my daddy.  I always felt the most loved there. 

I miss those moments.  When I occasionally visit my dad there is always at least one moment  where I try to make that connection once again.  I imagine it looks pretty silly, this 40+ year-old woman trying to climb into her father’s lap.  The good news is his lap has gotten a little bigger since I was little, so I still can kind of fit. 

Those are moments I wish I could somehow feel with God; Not a figurative special sunset hug, or the breeze on my cheek kind of presence, but a big, soft lap with an embrace that can be truly felt.

The last couple of days I have felt this need in a deep way.  Not in an unusual way, as I have been emotionally here before, but in a “my heart hurts” kind of way.  I can stand up to life and to other people’s opinions of me for a while, but then I grow weary of the fight and just want daddy’s lap, a soft place to fall, where I am safe and comforted and loved.

But, I find God doesn’t provide much of that.  I wish it were different, but I also understand why that is not the case.  The more and more I journey with God the more I realize how much he tempers me with His presence, but even more with his silence and even distance.

I can’t rely on my senses.  I can’t hear him, touch him, feel him.  Then I have to rely on faith.  “Blessed are those who do not see and yet believe.”  Blessed are those who can not have a hug from God but know that he does exist and everything is for the purpose of strengthening their character, their perseverance, their faith.

So tonight I hurt, and humanly long for daddy’s lap, but I know that tomorrow will bring a faith that was stronger than the day before and I will be OK with the figurative hug of knowing him even if I can’t sit in his lap this side of heaven.

Praying tomorrow comes soon though…definitely.

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